Memorial Day

I was very worried about how I would feel on this day. It's my first time back to the cemetery since the funeral. My husband had been back and warned me that it would be very difficult. I was fine until we pulled into the cemetery, and then I started feeling it.
But as we pulled up to the corner where Joey was buried, I saw a horde of boys mulling around. I wondered what in the world they were doing there, and then I realized I knew them. They were the young men Joey had befriended in our old ward. I wasn't sure how I felt to see them there. I was prepared for a more private moment.
As soon as we got out of the car, they came over and hugged Brett and I and started playing with Jimmy. Pretty soon playing turned into rough housing and they were sprawled all over the grass, moaning and groaning in fake agony. I couldn't help myself. I started laughing. It's exactly what Joey would have wanted, and I wonder if it wasn't him that prompted Sister Ivie to load those boys up in her car and bring them over to the cemetery. It was loud and happy, just the way it always was when they were at our house. Those are some of my most favorite memories of Joey: the sounds of boys running around in my backyard.
So, Joseph, thanks baby for sending your friends to comfort me. It made me happy instead of the sadness I was prepared to feel, and I know you never liked to see me cry. I love you, handsome!

Sundays are Difficult

And I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps it's because we take the time to slow down, and we go to church where the Spirit is strong; but I have a harder time on Sundays. Everything reminds me of Joey.


I am typically outgoing and looking forward to making friends, but since we've moved I am struggling with reaching out. It is hard to participate in Sunday School or Relief Society (the organization for women) because I'm hurting, and I don't want to cry. Yesterdays lesson in Sunday School was about the Prodigal Son, and the teacher mentioned what it was like to lose a child for even a moment. I've lost my beautiful boy for a very long time, and it was hard to think about it. Still, it was a beautiful lesson to think about how the Savior must rejoice when one of us returns to his fold. How he must have rejoiced when Joey returned to his home in Heaven. It's just difficult for me her on earth.


Mother's Day was particularly difficult. I was so short tempered, and until church was over I didn't realize exactly why. I was afraid of how I was going to feel on Mother's Day. Our ward celebrates Mother's Day by having all the women in the ward stand up and then the youth (ages 12-18) bring around a treat (or sometimes a flower). I just couldn't stand this time. My daughter was frustrated with me, but I just couldn't do it. Joey would always fight to be the first one at my side to give me something. He always wanted to do that for me. And he wasn't there. I really struggled not to cry during that part of the meeting. Brett ended up just grabbing me a little bag of candy and handing to me. Even though the day ended up being very beautiful, I just missed Joey so much.


I suppose that after time, it will become easier and I will be ready to reach out; but for now it's about all I can do to get through Church without crying. Here's a picture of my boy in his Sunday Best. He always took getting ready for church seriously; although, I did look down and see his running shoes once or twice when he forgot to change them. Pretty funny!
Day by Day

It's strange that life goes on after something like losing a child. It doesn't seem right, and sometimes I'm not even sure how I should react. I'm grateful that I have two children that keep me busy. Our youngest child, Jimmy, has taken to showing us his biggest, cheesiest grin whenever Brett and I are crying. There is no way to avoid a chuckle when that little guy is around. He and Katelyn are such good kids, and we are so grateful for them. They sometimes don't understand why we cry; and I tell them that I really, really love them and that I miss Joey so very much. I tell them that it's ok to cry and be sad, and that Daddy and I need to be able to miss him. I want them to know it's ok to be sad because I'm sure they often feel that way too.


We are trying to move forward, but I don't really know how to stop being Joey's Mom. I realize that I will always be his Mom, but I don't know how to stop physically taking care of him. I would give anything to hear him call me, or ask for a drink of water, or need his pillows rearranged. I selfishly wish that I could continue all those things, but I really don't want him here suffering. I hate just how permanent this all is.


We have good days and good moments. I am so grateful to be able to scrapbook. One, it gives me control over something and we haven't had control over our lives for so long now. Two, it gives me the opportunity to create something beautiful, and I could so use that. Three, it keeps me busy, preoccupied, and creative. And four, I need to document life (normal life).


We were in the process of moving when Joey passed away. We were trying to get him into a place where he would be most comfortable and happy. He was able to see his room twice before he passed. We've kept his things set up in there, and sometimes I go there to talk to him. Tonight I heard one of his electronic guns going off, and I went to check on things. Little brother was "testing" it to make sure it still worked. :) I'm not sure how Joey feels about Jimmy still sneaking into his room. Makes me smile to think about it, though.


What I have found strange is how grief sneaks up on me, and suddenly I am so hurt and overwhelmed again. But at the same time, I don't want it to go away because it's a connection to Joey. I realize I have a long way to go. I just miss him so much! Here's a layout from Scrapbook Trends of my sweet boy! Love you, Joey!
Just about Joey

I just had to post today. I miss my little boy so much. He was such a joy in our lives. He was always so obedient and so kind. He was just one of those people that you know is destined for great things. He truly touched so many lives.

I just want to say how much I love him. I only wish he were here so that I could tell him in person a million more times.

Do me a favor, ok? Don't let an opportunity to hug and kiss your children go by! Don't let an opportunity to tell them that you love them and that you're proud of you slip by either! Those moments are priceless and my understanding of that is even more strong now.

We are so blessed to have people that we love in our lives. There really isn't enough time to truly share our deepest feelings with others. I could have had forever and still not expressed what my heart truly felt. Perhaps that's because we're mortal. I don't know, but I only wish I had the means to have expressed myself in a way that would have left him without any doubts of how much I loved him. I am working on that with my other beautiful children. It's so important that they KNOW!!!

Give your kids a hug for me and for Joey! Love to you all!
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